What? You're whining you don't have anything to inspire you. That you don't feel enough.

Well HERE! Slam these feelings into your gut, so hard you're winded, trying to suck the air in but you can't seem to get your breath. Your mind runs in small circles, trying to grasp the sensations that are taking over. Pry open your mouth, force the jaw open, stuff those feelings in there, cotton wool, dry, making you want to wretch. Tears welling up? Can't have that! Push those feelings further down, push them into the back of your throat, into your windpipe, down your asophagus. Throat so dry you can't swallow the hard lump away? Stomach seeming to swell with the nausea behind it? Push it down further. Push it into your gut. And push the rest back into the small part of your mind. The dark part. Way way back. Breath shallowly, because if you take it deep breath, it might all regurgitate itself back up. The raw, truly gut wrenching, nauseating pain that you can only just contain.

Want those fucking feelings now?

My friend died this morning at 9.30.



I spent the day literally not moving from in front of my computer for fear that even movement might tip my precarious balance. Control. Breathe. Don't think.

I've always said that I don't believe in regret, but today I felt the regret of every hug that I didn't give her (she loved hugs), of the distance at which I held her because of the seeds of doubt sown by another. I got it so wrong. And she was such an amazing...truly amazing person. Open, warm, funny, loving, always laughing, up to no good (in the nicest possible way), and with the worst karaoke voice ever (Sid Viscious's "I did it my way" will always make me smile). I am grateful to have known her, and devastated to have lost her so soon.